What I Would Write in My MLS Listings If I Could

(In MLS listings there are 2 freeform text boxes. In these boxes you write stuff about the house, how to get in, any other particulars that are nice or necessary for other agents to know if they want to show or sell a particular property. Keep in mind that the only people who are supposed to be able to see these things are licensed agents)

Comments: I have included my cell phone number only because my office gets a lot of panicked voicemails when you are not provided with at least 17 different ways to contact me (including, but not limited to, office number, fax number, cell phone number, pager number, mother's phone number, friends' phone numbers, spouse's cell and work numbers, e-mail address (including any alternates), and home address in case you need to send a message via trained pigeon). Please try the office number first. I KNOW my name is not listed as an option in the outgoing message, but that doesn't mean I don't work there. Leave a message anyway. There is no need to complain that my name is not mentioned in the outgoing message in your message.

If you absolutely need to call my cell phone or else someone will DIE (there is no other reason for you to call my cell phone), please refrain from calling at 7:30 ON SUNDAY MORNING. I will be sleeping. If you do call at that time, I reserve the right to call you ugly names and insult your mother.

I assume you are literate. You would have to be to pass real estate school and the plethora of tests it takes to become a licensed real estate agent in the state of Arizona. Do you see the part at the top of this listing where it says "Active" in very visible bold green letters? That means it's not pending or sold. It means it is still available. It means you don't need to call me to ask if it is available. It especially means you don't need to call my cell phone at 7:30 on Sunday morning or 8:30 Saturday night to ask if it is available. If at any time it becomes unavailable, those letters will change to a bold orange "pending" or a bold black "sold." It's an ingenious system, really.