Adventures in the Acquisition of Alcohol

(I'm a nerd, I put a LOT of thought into that nicely alliterative title)

This post will only make sense if you know that Mormons don't drink alcohol. No margaritas for us, baby!

Now, that being said, Aaron and I frequently cook with alcohol. We pretty much always have a bottle of white wine in the fridge for sauces, marinades, etc. We thought this was pretty normal until our fridge broke last year and our Relief Society president let us use her extra fridge to store all our perishables while we waited for the repairman and.

After we got our fridge fixed and went back for our food we answered the question "uhh..what's with the wine?" no less than 3 times as various family members popped in and out of the room, all giving us that same suspicious squinty-eyed look. Even after we explained that we cook with it and we always cook it long enough to get rid of the actual alcohol they were still a little baffled. I'm kind of surprised the bishop didn't call us in for a chat after that.

Despite the fact that we constantly have alcohol on hand, I've never actually bought any. People just seem to like giving us wine.

Last week, however, I found myself needing to buy alcohol. I found a recipe for Ginger, Soy and Whiskey Chicken that sounded fantastic. It called for a whole chicken, which I wouldn't normally have on hand, but I happened to pick one up a few weeks ago on a whim and it was sitting in my freezer while I tried to figure what on earth I was going to do with it.

And THEN, I saw this recipe for Bourbon Peach Hand Pies over at Smitten Kitchen and I knew an alcohol run was in order.

The chicken recipe noted that whiskey, scotch or bourbon could be used, so I figured I'd do bourbon since it would work with both recipes and I didn't really see myself stocking my cabinets with various spirits just for a couple recipes.

I went grocery shopping on Labor Day since Aaron was home to watch Wes. I was working my way through my (extensive) list and I happened to be standing right in front of the wine and spirits section as I got down to 'bourbon.' So I walked on in.

I was immediately overwhelmed. I don't think our grocery store has an especially large spirits section, but it's not small either. And while there were signs noting the locations of wine, whiskey, mixers, beer, wine coolers and a few other things, the bourbon wasn't so conveniently labeled.

So I called my mom.

As the phone rang our ward (ward=congregation for those who don't speak Mormon) librarian and her husband walked by the aisle. I froze like a deer in the headlights sandwiched between the Jack Daniels and margarita mixes. Neither of them looked my way as they continued toward the produce section.

Mom: Hello?

Me, trying to keep my voice down: Hi, I need your help. I need to buy bourbon but there are like a billion bottles here and they all look the same and I don't even know what brand to look for to find the bourbon section. Who makes bourbon?

Mom: Hm..maybe Jim Beam? Hey, Steve? Does Jim Beam make bourbon?

Dad says something I can't quite hear in the background

Mom: Kayla needs to know. She's trying to find bourbon but doesn't know what she's looking for.

Dad in the background: Woooo! Tell her to bring it on over!! We'll crack open the champagne too!

(someone gave them champagne last year and we haven't figured out a use for it yet since it doesn't lend itself to cooking quite as well as wine and other spirits)

Me: Hey, there's some Jim Beam right in front of me...uh, the label says 'Whiskey Bourbon.' What's whiskey bourbon??

Mom: I have no idea. They aren't the same thing, right?

Me: I don't think so? I have no idea. Well, the recipe said whiskey, bourbon or scotch, and this has two of the three, so that should work, right?

Mom: Probably.

A lady from my ward walks by my aisle with her teenage daughter

Me: There are people from my ward ALL OVER THE PLACE and I'm skulking around in the alcohol section.

Mom: *snicker*


I loaded up the Jim Beam, hiding it behind the baby food and granola bars and finished my shopping, running into 3 more people from church in the process.

I was really disappointed when the cashier scanned the bourbon and removed the anti theft device without asking for my ID. I'd never been carded before and I was kind of looking forward to it.

After she gave me my total and processed my credit card I asked, "um..do you want to see my ID for the alcohol?"

She looked at me like the idea hadn't really occurred to her and took my ID. She examined it thoroughly before handing it back.

At the age of 23 I now officially feel like an adult. I bought alcohol! I got carded! And I passed!

I feel like I should buy everyone a round in honor of this momentous occasion, but um..I'm poor. And a lot of my readers don't actually drink. So here's a virtual virgin strawberry daquiri for ya. Watch out for the brain freeze!