I'm Having a Day

I've banished Screamy McScreamersons to his crib. I slathered half a PW pie crust from my freezer with jam, baked it, and then ate the whole thing-despite my commitment to healthy living and the fact that now I'm going to have to confess my pie crust sin to my fellow skinny bloggers. I've been popping Advil like candy trying to knock off my ever-present neck ache (Dear Chiropractor, If you weren't $30 per visit I would come twice a week).

It's just been one of those days.

And then the Fug Girls shined a ray of light and sunshine into my life with the following:

So, after careful consideration of approximately three minutes, I've decided Twilight would work a lot better for me on ice. Think about it: Pairs figure skating, much like the book itself, is all about melodrama, separation and reunion, and invading each others' personal space in a sexually unsatisfying way. All of Edward's condescending yearning and stalking would be way more fun if he were doing it while flitting about the rink in puffy shirts and tight trousers, tossing off triple Axels of romantic angst and throwing Bella into the air before catching her with one hand (subtext: "You must not love me BUT I LOVE YOU but stay away BUT NOT TOO FAR AWAY let me stare at you NO I MUSTN'T but I will LET ME TOE-LOOP MY FEELINGS don't look at me EXCEPT DO I am dangerous TIME TO SPARKLE"). Meanwhile, boring Bella, who in the text generally just repeats herself ad nauseum about how Edward's face/chest/voice/muscles/eyes/lips/piano talent/strength/secret macrame projects are more beautiful and perfect than anything in the human realm, could spend the rest of the time enacting a metaphor for her inner monologue by spinning over and over again until Edward rescues her from herself. Throw in some multicolored spotlights and the whole thing is practically begging for an Olympic ice-skating duo to reinterpret it at the Vancouver 2010 games.

(You'll have to go to the post itself to see Kristen Stewart in a dress that does really resemble a skating outfit)

The thought of R. Pat skating around in a puffy shirt doing that tortured thing with his eyes while doing triple toe loops and all made me sink briefly into a hysterically funny sugar-fueled day dream.

It was wonderful.